Utility Bill Rant
In fact, I suppose I'm verging on pissed off, if you'll excuse my French.
Speaking of France, I'm wondering what kind of asphalt they use on their streets since apparently the French military can drive tanks through Paris during a big parade that weigh something like 62 metric tons each without ripping the macadam into something that looks, but certainly doesn't smell, like zucchini shreds?
Anyway, I'm extremely annoyed this July morning because, you see, I sat down at my desk a few minutes ago to pay a utility bill, and, as usual the past several years, the tri-folded sheet of paper that has at its bottom the section to return with payment to the folks who provide me and the lovely Ellen Schoenberger Day with electricity is screwed up.
I mean, seriously messed up and totally unacceptable.
How so, you ask?
Well, the tiny tearing perforations on the "return this part" of the bill are almost exactly 1/16th of an inch away from the second fold of the tri-folded sheet of paper!
Consequently, if you're a neat freak like me, when you try to remove the bottom 1/3rd of the sheet from the whole sheet, you always end up tearing on the damn fold instead of being able to precisely and cleanly (and with a barely discernible but still satisfying sound, if your hearing is still functioning at a decent level) tear on the perforations, the way God means for these "return this section" sections to tear.
I mean, seriously, we put guys on the moon more than 50 years ago with an onboard computer that had 1 millionth of the power of a chessy $8 smartphone and yet we don't have the technology to line up the folds and the perforations on a doggone utility bill?
Gimme a break!
Now, it's entirely possible you may be thinking that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill because I'm either an idiot or entering my dotage, but that's not the case.
This is a serious issue that impacts serious people, and I think something needs to be done to lick this problem.
Speaking of licking, I'm also on the rampage this morning because once I end up with a "return this portion" that looks like it was cut up by John Wayne Gacy, I have to put it in an envelope that came with the bill.
A $#@%$#@%$ envelope flap that doesn't have enough glue on it to actually stick to the back of the envelope to which it's supposed to stick.
I mean, honestly, in my annoyance I've already mouthed up a thimble's worth of spit over the darn misalignment of the "return this portion" fold and perforations, and yet even that much saliva doesn't produce enough moisture to seal the flap to the back of the envelope because no doubt the bean counters at the utility company have apparently purchased cheap envelopes with a glue that wouldn't bond two fleas together, even if they were engaged in coitus.
Speaking of coitus... oops, best not go there, better save that one for another day.
And the worst part about trying to seal envelopes by licking glue that doesn't work is that stubborn guys like me (yes, in the interest of full disclosure, I admit to a streak of obstinacy) have occasionally suffered paper cuts on their tongues in vain attempts to properly seal envelopes that won't seal unless you resort to spending big money on roll after roll of Scotch tape.
Speaking of tapes, lately I've been reviewing my Watergate materials and noted with interest that John Wesley Dean truly had a remarkable memory. Of course, I do too, even in my early 70's, and, to this day, I can still recall watching Dean testify while his lovely wife Maureen looked on lovingly.
But I digress.
Anyway, now that I've drained some of today's grumpy old man vitriol from my arteries, let me conclude by pointing out that a bit less than half of the population of our country currently say we're making America great again, but, as far as I'm concerned, we'll never be great again until we fix the problems with our utility bill statements and envelopes.
Oh yeah, if you -- like 99.999999% of the population of the earth -- haven't already done so, I hope you'll treat yourself to one of my three novels (kind of creepy thrillers). Dropping a few bucks on my fiction will help me replenish my hoard of Scotch tape. Grab one, or, even better, all three, right now at https://amazon.com/author/chetday