Stimulus Check Payable to My Deceased Wife and Me
So, I received my Covid-19 stimulus check a week or two ago. Without going into a rant about government incompetence, I unhappily reveal here that the paper check for $2400 is made out payable to both me AND to my deceased wife.
This is a problem because the bank will not cash a check payable to two people without two signatures. I'm still wonderfully close to my late wife, but, alas, not close enough to get her signature on that check.
OMG, Chet, do you mean the government actually made a mistake of this magnitude? WTF!
Do you mean the IRS and the Treasury Department failed to cross check your 2018 and 2019 tax returns with the government's National Death Index? I mean, seriously, that database is something else, and it actually works. I know this because a week or so after my wife died I got a snailmail letter from the social security folks telling me her monthly payment had been stopped and that I'd better, by God, send back any overpayments that I'd already received or might receive in the future. Now, that's government at its best... saving the taxpayers' money!
With that bit of background, the IRS and Munchkin the Treasury Secretary say deceased people don't deserve $1200, a fact with which I can't argue since spending that money would be difficult when one's left this earthly plane and become part of everything. I doubt that those who are now part of everything need or use money.
I mean, seriously, what would they spend it on?
I just don't see our deceased loved ones dropping $2.79 for a 10.2 ounce bag of Tootsie Roll pops, do you?
But I digress.
For what it's worth and on another note, I'm basically an honest Golden-ager so I've avoided thinking of ways to cash the check and keep the entire $2400. I mean, seriously, if I went down that road I suppose I could sign both of our names and then go to a PayDay Loan joint, where, for a piece of the action, I have no doubt that check would be cashed faster than a starving hyena could munch down a baby cottontail rabbit.
Wait, wait a minute.
Hyenas are indigenous to Africa, but I'm not sure there are baby cottontails on that continent.
Oh well, what difference does that make in the larger scheme of things?
To get back on track, I could also cash the check at any number of pawn shops here in my little neck of the woods. I know this because I did a search on places that cash checks and every pawn shop in town said it was happy to exchange real dollars for government checks for "a little fee." Ha! I bet. Little fee, my ass.
But, like I mentioned above, I'm basically an honest senior so I've not indulged in immoral thinking about ways to bring home the entire $2400.
Phew. I'm glad that's out of my system.
Now, back to the point.
Since I'm basically an honest old man, I would like to return the $1200 that would have been my late wife's stimulus moola, but I'm not ready to return the entire check for $2400 that's payable to me AND my dearly departed because I can certainly use and certainly want the $1200 that our leaders think I should have.
I mean, seriously, if gargantuan corporations can pig out from the bottomless trough of digitally printed government money, I can certainly find a way to spend $1200 on beans and rice.
Heck, with $1200 I would also support the economy by purchasing even more stuff I didn't need!
Hmm, this old house could use a new wide screen television set with super high definition pixels and total surround sound. I wonder if I'd have enough money left after buying that (as well as some beans and rice) to purchase a theater-style popcorn popper to keep in the den? That way I could watch movies with hot popcorn only a few steps away.
You see, it really is a huge pain in the ass right now because when I want some hot popcorn I have to pause the movie I'm watching, walk up eleven steps from my basement den to the kitchen, and then pop a batch of tasty, buttered, and lightly salted kernels.
Heck, by the time I get back downstairs with a steaming bowl of popcorn, I've forgotten what happened in the first part of the movie, and I have to start the darn thing all over again.
Oh gosh, I do believe I've once again wandered away from the point.
My only excuse is that my aged brain tends to drift these daze, kinda like a blind mouse negotiating its way through a herd of elephants.
Speaking of elephants and mice...
Q: What did the geneticist get when he crossed a mouse and an elephant?
A: A dead mouse!
Anyway, you and I both know with something most likely approaching 100% certainty that if I did return the $2400 check with the word VOID written in the endorsement area of the check (this is what the IRS FAQ says to do WITHOUT giving any indication that they will destroy that check and immediately and without additional mistakes cut another one for $1200 for the still breathing widow or widower's stimulus), Hell itself would freeze over before I ever saw a dime of the $1200 I so rightly deserve.
Okay, okay, I see I've written 5,058 words already, and I still haven't asked the question I originally wanted to ask.
The question is really quite simple.
Hmm, speaking of questions, lately I've spent many hours pondering the ramifications of an article I read recently that suggested there is a parallel universe that began with the Big Bang at the same time as our own universe began.
But in this parallel universe time moves backward!
Holy smokes. Wrap your mind for a week or two around the idea of a parallel universe where time moves backward and then via Private Message shoot me an answer on how this works because, frankly, I'm stumped.
I mean, seriously, how on earth do particle physicists get any sleep at all when their wonderful brains are plugging away on understanding big issues like parallel universes where time moves in the wrong direction?
I mean, seriously, think of it...
If we lived in that parallel universe, then tomorrow, instead of being 72 years and 130 days old, I'd be 72 years and 129 days old. Using the same calculus, if I could continue to hold myself together with even a few of my faculties still intact, in 12 years and 129 days, I'd be 60 again, which isn't all that attractive to me, but continuing to hold out would allow me to eventually reach the wonderful age of 22 or 23.
Whoa, that's like money in the bank, isn't it?
On second thought, if I was moving backward in time, then my little retirement savings account would diminish as each day passed, wouldn't it?
Then I'd have even less money than I have now, and I'd really need an extra $1200!
Well, speaking of money, if anyone's still reading this endless mess of verbiage, here's the question I should have asked exactly 6637 words ago:
What is the IRS-approved procedure for me to return the $2400 paper check from the government that's payable to both me and my late love, a return procedure that will also get me a new check for the $1200 I've been promised by the Feds?